Personal experiences


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Poetry

I feel trapped in my life:
I feel trapped in my life
Never leave home without a knife
A bad mood, a bad feeling
Is just a cut away from healing.
For as you see
Bleeding is healing to me
Running wet and red
Quiets the voices in my head.
Scars and scars galore
Each and every one I adore
The object of cutting you see
Is to sooth my soul without loosing me.
To lose me, to lose my head
Would mean that I would be dead.
So cut and cut I continue to do
Until I find another way
To save my life each and every day.
Anon.

Thoughts:
To have someone listen and not judge me is to feel free
To have someone see me and not judge me is to feel free
To have someone talk to me and value me is to feel free
To have someone there is a small step in a long journey
Where one day, I may feel ready to step out of the darkness and face the world
To be who I am and not be afraid is a gift
A gift I long for day and night
Anon.

Santuary Island:
This is the place I love the most in the world
When I visit my island it chases away the demons that wander unstilled through my mind
Day in and day out demons that never cease in their torment of me and my life

Nobody has ever been to my island but if
You would like to, I will take you with me
When I go, I know you will love it as much as I do it is a place dreams are made of think of
Tranquillity, serenity, peace and complete
Freedom there is no other place like it in the whole universe

Are you ready for the journey of a lifetime?
If you are come in and take my hand in
Yours, close your eyes and we will walk together into paradise will we come back
Maybe yes maybe not

Close your eyes and place a picture in your mind of a cloudless sky filled with
blue what colour of blue would you choose sapphire, azure, turquoise, powder
blue pick any of these colours and you would be right and you would also
Be wrong, why because my islands sky changes colour ever few seconds one
Blink and it has changed forever.

I have heard it said that there are forty shades of green in my sky there are forty
 shades of blue. Picture a perfectly formed sun so red that its outer circle seems to
be blazing embers of fire.

Picture a sea so still that it is like sheets of purest glass the sun shining down
On it as it sparkles like diamonds, again its colour changes as quick as the sky.
Whitest of pebbles surrounded by golden sand
So soft that you sink into it as you walk along
The shoreline.

Rock pools filled with sea life starfish, lobster, and fish
All the colours of the rainbow, anemones and the pinkes
Of coral complete the picture.

Hold your head up to the sun feel it tenderly embracing your skin, hair, eyes,
Cheeks and lips
As a lover would do, Smell and taste the tang of the ocean clean fresh
Invigorating and free.

Listen to the sound of the sea gently lapping at the waters edge, rippling over
The smooth stones and soft sand finally lapping at the soles of your feet tickling
Softly with a touch as light as a feather.

There are no living inhabitants on my Island apart from wildlife and sea
Creatures,
There is an abundance of vegetation and colourful flowers for my friends to feed
On.
This is my paradise and when I need to go there it is only a memory away.

I hope you enjoyed your visit to my special place it was nice to have your
Company but if you don’t mind I won’t ask you back again as I belong here and
Love to be alone with my Animal friends.
On this the Island of my dreams.

Is everything really what it seems in this the Island of my dreams?
When I’m feeling really low this is where I always go
Never want to go away; here I always want to stay
Be with all the friends I love gaze at the heavenly
Sky above, walk along the golden sands don’t need anyone to hold my hands,
Jump the white horses rolling by feel the sea breezes
Tug at my hair and no matter how I feel or where I go or where I stay my island
Will always be only a memory away my wonderful
Santuary Island

Anon.

Many People On My Mind: 
Many people on my mind,
Some are good,
Some are not so kind,
Thoughts of past can darken my mood,
Spiral down into a dark depression,
In which my life cannot move forward,
Becoming an observable oppression.

Each day fighting to get out of bed,
Thinking of a thousand things which could make me dead ...
Enough said.

The sun is shining high in the sky,
The birds song a sweet lullaby,
Quietening the darkness in my mind,
Making depression’s black tentacles
Upon my soul unbind.
In quiet relief I begin to sigh
And in sweet dreams finally I can lie,
Like a great burden lifted from my shoulders,
Like a hundred negative boulders;
Dreaming of the day my depression has no more say.

In a hole far below ground,
In that dark place where there is no sound
Apart from the whimpering growls and screams
From a place of destroyed childhood dreams.
Feeling so low with self despised thoughts,
No future in your mind can be bought,
Self indulgent, drug infused mental droughts
Will eventually tip you into that dark stuff.
A park hole far below ground
Where you’ll never hear a sound,
Apart from the whimpering growls and screams
That always shatter your dreams.

Strip the darkness from my soul,
All that’s left you could fit into a fish bowl.

Perceive the child within the man
And through the child’s eyes discover the man.
Anon.

The devil and the angel:
As a child as innocent as an angel
The devil came and took your innocence away
You told and no one believed you
Maybe someone will someday

As you grow older
The devil inside your head grows
The guilt the hatred and the shame
No one will ever know

I would love to let him go one day
To shut him out of sight
So he won’t be in my head
Morning noon and night

It can’t last forever
He will be gone someday
Because Devil you will burn in hell
And the angel will be ok

Carol


I suffer it alone:
I long to feel your arms around me
To feel safe and to belong
But no ones here to help me
So I suffer it alone.

Go away Go away it never listens to what I say.
The pounding in my head the shaking hands my heart is racing
I pace the floor back and forth but no ones there to see me so I suffer it alone.

I feel as if I’m going mad.
The pain the fear it feels so bad.
I have to do something to myself I
Cannot bare whats in my head so
I go and cut my arms instead
So I suffer it alone

The pain at last some of it has gone
As you wipe away the blood
You look at what you have done.
The guilt the tears you pull your jumper
Down so no one sees & so I suffer it alone

Carol.

THE QUESTION WHY:
There are three little letters that make up one important word
One word with a lot of meaning and no matter how often or how
Hard I try no one ever gives me an answer or a reason to the
Question WHY?

Young children are encouraged to learn and have their say
Make friends have fun and play, but what about the child
Who sits and stands alone never wants to leave never wants
 to go home. They hurt so bad inside silent tears they cry
And still no one ever asks that one word or a reason to the
QUESTION WHY?

What a difference their would be if only one person out
their would open their eyes and see, behind
The tidy helpful child behind the one that acts so wild
The child that’s never very clean the bully and the child that’s mean
The quiet child who always tries please please someone
Open  up you’re eyes.

See what is going on around instead of looking at the ground
Be the one who makes a stand the one to hold up their hand
You can do it if you try and then one day maybe just
Maybe we will get the answer or the reason to the
QUESTION WHY?

Anon.